How Do You Know if it’s Domestic Abuse?
Domestic violence, or intimate partner violence, is the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another. Domestic violence is not just physical. This epidemic takes on many forms including: physical abuse and stalking, verbal/emotional and psychological abuse, sexual abuse, reproductive coercion, financial abuse, digital and social abuse, cultural and spiritual abuse, as well as pets and property. The frequency and severity of domestic violence can vary dramatically; however, the one constant component of domestic violence is one partner’s consistent efforts to maintain power and control over the other.
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The devastating effects of domestic violence can cross generations and last a lifetime
Domestic violence is an epidemic affecting individuals in every community, regardless of race, religion, nationality, age, economic status, gender, or sexual orientation. Domestic violence can result in physical injury, psychological trauma, and in severe cases, even death. The devastating physical, emotional, and psychological consequences of domestic violence can cross generations and last a lifetime.
Domestic violence intensifies over time
It is not always easy to determine in the early stages of a relationship if one person will become abusive. Abusers may often seem wonderful and perfect initially, but gradually become more aggressive and controlling as the relationship continues. Abuse may begin with behaviors that may easily be dismissed or downplayed such as name-calling, threats, possessiveness, or distrust. Abusers may apologize profusely for their actions or try to convince the person they are abusing that they do these things out of love or care. However, violence and control always intensifies over time with an abuser, despite the apologies. What may start out as something that was first believed to be harmless (e.g., wanting the victim to spend all their time only with them because they love them so much) escalates into extreme control and abuse (e.g., threatening to kill or hurt the victim or others if they speak to family, friends, etc.).
Some examples of abusive tendencies include but are not limited to:
Telling the victim that they can never do anything right
Showing jealousy of the victim’s family and friends and time spent away
Accusing the victim of cheating
Keeping or discouraging the victim from seeing friends or family members
Embarrassing or shaming the victim with put-downs
Controlling every penny spent in the household
Taking the victim’s money or refusing to give them money for expenses
Looking at or acting in ways that scare the person they are abusing
Controlling who the victim sees, where they go, or what they do
Dictating how the victim dresses, wears their hair, etc.
Stalking the victim or monitoring their victim’s every move (in person or also via the internet and/or other devices such as GPS tracking or the victim’s phone)
Preventing the victim from making their own decision
Telling the victim that they are a bad parent or threatening to hurt, kill, or take away their children
Threatening to hurt or kill the victim’s friends, loved ones, or pets
Intimidating the victim with guns, knives, or other weapons
Pressuring the victim to have sex when they don’t want to or to do things sexually they are not comfortable with
Forcing sex with others
Refusing to use protection when having sex or sabotaging birth control
Pressuring or forcing the victim to use drugs or alcohol
Preventing the victim from working or attending school, harassing the victim at either, keeping their victim up all night so they perform badly at their job or in school
Destroying the victim’s property
Domestic violence does not always manifest as physical abuse
Emotional and psychological abuse can often be just as extreme as physical violence. Lack of physical violence does not mean the abuser is any less dangerous to the victim, nor does it mean the victim is any less trapped by the abuse.
Additionally, domestic violence does not always end when the victim escapes the abuser, tries to terminate the relationship, and/or seeks help. Often, it intensifies because the abuser feels a loss of control over the victim. Abusers frequently continue to stalk, harass, threaten, and try to control the victim after the victim escapes. In fact, the victim is often in the most danger directly following the escape of the relationship or when they seek help: 1/5 of homicide victims with restraining orders are murdered within two days of obtaining the order; 1/3 are murdered within the first month.
Unfair blame is frequently put upon the victim of abuse because of assumptions that victims choose to stay in abusive relationships
The truth is, bringing an end to abuse is not a matter of the victim choosing to leave; it is a matter of the victim being able to safely escape their abuser, the abuser choosing to stop the abuse, or others (e.g., law enforcement, courts) holding the abuser accountable for the abuse they inflict.